I have learned to circumvent this issue by simply never being important enough to be invited to formal events.

It’s worked well thus far, though nobody seems to notice.

Truly, I am in awe. Everything meant so little before this moment. How lucky we are to have lived to see this day. I must never forget this. I will never forget this.

I used to mix it in with fried rice that’d been left sitting out for too long and turned really dry. Gives it some moisture and a vinegary edge, but probably not for everyone, since ketchup’s trademark is stomping all over the subtle flavors of a dish.

When I was in elementary school, I’d dip my pizza crusts in ketchup at lunchtime. I still do that every now and then with Sriracha ketchup

Also, same elementary school lunch: on pizza days, they also used to give us a side of tricolor fusilli straight-up. Just plain pasta without even so much as a little olive oil. So, fuck it. It got blasted with 'chup.

I’d like to say it’ll be something pithy like “Thank God that’s finally done with,” but, more likely than not, it’ll probably be “Ah, shit, aaaaghhh, fuck, this sucks, God dammit, this hurts like hell, ughhhhh shit,” and then the sounds of me groaning my final breath and softly shitting my pants.

“You can do it, buddy. Shit your pants!”

I mean, I don’t actually know if people ever say this or not, but you can start if you wanna be a cool trendsetter!