In the weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day, dating apps typically see a spike in new users and activity. More profiles are created, more messages sent, more swipes logged.
Dating platforms market themselves as modern technological solutions to loneliness, right at your fingertips. And yet, for many people, the day meant to celebrate romantic connection feels lonelier than ever.
This, rather than a personal failure or the reality of modern romance, is the outcome of how dating apps are designed and of the economic logic that governs them.
These digital tools aren’t simply interfaces that facilitate connection. The ease and expansiveness of online dating have commodified social bonds, eroded meaningful interactions and created a type of dating throw-away culture, encouraging a sense of disposability and distorting decision-making.
Okcupid used to be good, before they sold out. Its where I met my partner. I was sad to hear it had enshittified.
Yep, I met my partner through OKC just before they enshittified. I also had used it to meet folks when I travelled for work. I had a note on my profile that I travelled a lot and just wanted to see new cities and eat good food. Surprisingly, I had far more platonic meetups than creepy guys trying to hook up, which I stated I wasn’t looking for in my profile.
I was a very very early adopter of OKC. I remember when it was more of a social media website with quizzes and badges than just dating. I’m still friends with a few people I met there in the early days.
Same, I met a lot of people through old-school OKCupid. It was great.
Yet another “perk” of capitalism. Profit is what matters boys, not our feelings :)
I feel like we ought to expand that traditional quote about the last fish being caught, the last tree being cut and all: When the last emotion is commodified, you will realise that you can’t buy happiness.
I fell for Parship. Forgot to cancel after family pushed me to subscribe just for a year.
When I started, I didn’t know what a match unlock was. On Tinder, if you match, you get to chat. On Parship you have to UNLOCK the match first, and you only have a limited amount of unlocks before you have to buy more. So the app that claims to be designed to pair you up makes you HESITANT to actually talk to anyone! It’s like power-up potions in video games!
We all know they’re evil and predatory, but the extent is worse than you think.
They’re really optimizing for the income of the people who make the apps. No surprise there.
.com domain, meaning US? US has next to no market regulation.
Most of the apps are trashy and don’t optimize for good matches.
At the same time, many users half-ass using them, or deploy a variety of self-sabotage. (No, it’s not that you’re not tall or hot or whatever. It’s more likely your impersonal message didn’t warrant a response)
These two facts together mean a lot of people have truly bad outcomes.
At the same time, many users half-ass using them
Honestly the way a lot of the Tinder-style ones (swiping) are designed it almost feels like they’re meant to be half-assed? You can’t filter by likes, just exclude by dislikes (ex. Don’t include people who don’t want kids, don’t include smokers, etc) because there’s no search anymore. They just show you a profile, and you swipe.
When I was using them I very quickly stopped reading bios before they matched back. I just swiped right on everyone, checked daily for new matches, read those profiles and blocked/messaged people based on what was in their profile.
Speaking on filters, though: They don’t even work. I had men filtered out, and I ended up getting about 25% of profiles being men. Like, the only gender tag they had was “Man,” which lead to a lot of the “Idk why they even showed me to you I have men filtered out” message being sent.
The top of the funnel I could see an argument for not putting a lot of thought in. You’re just trying to get a pool of potential matches. (The apps are cruel for making you pay for this and not just giving you the list up front)
But once you do have a match, you have to put in some effort to stand out. A lot of people get a match and all they write is “hey”, and then they go right into the trash. Why would I engage with someone who just wrote “hey” when I could instead talk to someone who read my profile and said something personalized?
Also swiping yes on everyone might do strange things to their recommendation algorithm. Unfortunately that’s a black box, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that puts you in some sort of chum bucket shadow ban situation.
And also, yeah, making you pay for basic filters is a trashy design. Match group should be broken up.
Maybe, but it did happen earlier on before I’d started, so I think the filters are just kinda not great to start
I feel like it’s hard to craft a bunch of personal responses only to receive no response or a short conversation that dries up quickly afterwards. Talk about exhausting! Might as well start with the bare minimum and engage more if there’s interest back. Otherwise I can’t maintain the energy to keep it up.
Yeah, it can be hard, but many things worth doing are hard. If you start with the bare minimum, the other person’s first impression of you is that you half-assed it. Would you be extra interested in someone who’s too half assed to even read your profile?
Put in the hard work. If you don’t have the energy, don’t use the apps. Half-assing it is just going to make you unhappy.
Oh someone liked me… Oh I can’t like them back because the system locks 3/4 of people who like you behind a paywall.
Accounts that have more activity tend to get locked down to extract revenue from users.
I feel bad for young people or anyone having to date today. It is treated like some shitty mobile game.
The apps have been very kind to me.
On Tinder, I met my GF from 2017 to 2022. We had a lot in common, had some really great times, but the long-distance thing in the end was too much, so when she suggested opening up the relationship, I went back on the apps, and after an open relationship phase, we decided to shift from a romantic relationship to friendship. We’re still good friends, though - I saw her last Thursday when she was in my city.
During our open phase, I met some lovely people (two on Bumble, one on tinder) who for one reason or another weren’t open to a committed relationship, but there was no harm done - we spent good time together and drifted naturally apart once I started a relationship that turned monogamous. No hard feelings on either side.
On Tinder I also met my current (forever) partner. Amazing, low-conflict relationship. We live together and I’ve kind of stepped into the dad role for her son. We met in December 2021, chatted for three months and then started seeing each other, and soon became exclusive. I get along brilliantly with her parents, as does she with mine. We’re absolutely sure that we’re together for life.
I never felt that the apps were leading me into cheap, disposable relationships. I never had issues of “What if the next perfect person is just one swipe away?”
Glad to hear that you have the positive experience. I wish the outcome was only tied to the user’s mindset or intention of using the app.
whose been screwing with the gas chromategraph?!
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I think dating apps are mostly used for hookups
This isn’t especially true. Maybe Feeld and Tinder are less “serious”, but the idea of dating apps is mainstream enough that you find all sorts of people and goals.
The capitalism and for-profit nature does make them all kind of suck, though
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Thinking about my friend group, about half the people met their long term partners on dating apps. The other half is a mix of work and large social groups (eg: people who all go to certain kinds of music festivals)
I guess it varies by age and region.
While meeting partners through personal networks is still the most common kind of introduction, about one-in-ten partnered adults (12%) say they met their partner online. About a third (32%) of adults who are married, living with a partner or are in a committed relationship say friends and family helped them find their match. Smaller shares say they met through work (18%), through school (17%), online (12%), at a bar or restaurant (8%), at a place of worship (5%) or somewhere else (8%).
Some other sources I’m seeing say it’s as high as 60% of couples met online.
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I am very carefully trying to find a space to share with people that I’m building yet another dating app. Ugh, yes, but…
I cannot believe that these offerings must be so expensive, and so enshittified. Where is the open source mentality?
I don’t want to be blocked for selling things (I’m really not), but I hope to find a place to start a conversation about what an actually user friendly offering could look like.
One problem is users are selfish idiots. They won’t go somewhere that doesn’t already have a lot of users. They don’t care that going there now moves it closer to having a lot of users, so in a few months it’ll be good and vibrant. Most people can’t even think an hour ahead.
Another problem is that there are many scammers and bad actors. You need to deal with them, and convince your real users that the scammers are dealt with.
Lastly, in this capitalist hellscape everything is expensive. How are you going to run a big service that’s got low latency and high quality?
Good questions.
That first one’s a real head-scratcher: who would ever want to be the very first member on a dating app? I hear Tinder had “launch parties” but then I’m sure they had about 100% more funding that I do (which is none). In fact, what even is the smallest useful density of users? It’s obviously quite varied across geography, it won’t matter if there are 100.000 real people if they’re all in Belgium (sorry, Belgium).
One approach to lessen scammers is to require phone numbers rather than email addresses, and yes I’m aware that “lessen” does not equate “fix” – not by a long shot. There’s plans for supporting national eID’s of various target countries, but that should/will be a voluntary thing for users, but not every nation has a solution that “random apps” can build an integration with. Another remedy, I’m afraid to say, is to have no free tier - in fact my plan is to have only a paid tier, but also only one paid tier (reasonably priced, even) so everyone get’s access to everything on a level playing field. Then peer review and moderation (if people can be made to be arsed about it).
Lastly, one way to answer that is the wry practical perspective of (a) having few users (in the beginning at least), (b) don’t aim globally, © efficient data schema, (d) offer relatively low-res photos (eg. 800px should be “good enough” for a 3-inch-wide display), plus a bunch of other practicalities. Seriously, you don’t need “real time”, if you can’t be patient enough to wait for ¼ second between swipes, you’re probably not going to be a fun date anyhow. The real selling point is the features, not the performance.
«Dating apps don’t sell love. They sell the feeling that it is one premium upgrade away.» is exactly the sentiment I want to combat. If the user can trust that there isn’t “just one more payment” holding them back, what might they truly want out of a dating app? I’m guessing one thing is “honesty”.
